Rain Like Diamonds

[halosphere.livejournal.com]

Time: May 20th, early morning
Location: Michael's room
Status: Private (Gabriel and Raphael) - COMPLETE
Summary: Raphael writes a letter and wants to give Gabriel a gift, but he stills feels guilty for his behavior


Rain Like Diamonds

Okay, so maybe Raphael had gotten a little carried away addressing the envelope that contained the letter he had so carefully written to his older brother.

It looks like a Valentine's Day card... he thought glumly and he almost dropped it in the trash so he could put the letter in a normal not-overdecorated envelope.

It would have been a lost cause anyway.

Gabriel was the Messenger of God, surely he wouldn't mind. And anyway, it was what was inside that counted. And what was inside, tucked between the folded papers (he had used lined paper from his Journal) was a gift... A long red feather, dusted on the end with gold. He had fastened it to a cord and there were two decorative gold beads on each side.

I wonder if I should have had Gabriel bless the feathers before I started giving them away? Oh well, too late now. And anyway, he only gave them to people he trusted.

Before he sealed the envelope he pulled out the letter, reading it one more time:

Dear Gabriel,

I feel that I owe you an apology for my recent behavior, but simply saying "I'm sorry" doesn't seem to be enough. I am very grateful for everything you have done for me and I apologize for being so flippant, especially in regards to my own self-destruction. I can't seem to pull myself away and no matter what I do I feel trapped in circles going nowhere.

You mean a lot to me, Gabriel. I love you and I wish I could make things better. Please forgive me, and know that I really am trying. Thank you for everything. Thank you for being there and for your patience and kindness and just being the angel you truly are.

Love,
Raphael

He carefully refolded it and tucked the feather between the paper, then slipped it inside the envelope and sealed it. For a moment, he considered sneaking away to give Gabriel the letter, but Michael, even in his sleep, would have sprung to life and caught him and then it would have been handcuffs for eternity. Maybe longer.

What am I doing? A letter and a feather isn't going to fix this... Nothing is ever going to make this right...

He dropped the envelope into the small wastepaper basket, burying his face in his hands. He could hear the rain hitting the window outside.

His gaze slowly shifted back to the letter tucked sadly in the wastepaper basket. It's not going to fix anything... But he plucked it out and turned it over in his hands. Raphael glanced over at Michael.

"I'm still here," Raphael said, tip-toeing to the door. "I'm still here I'm still here I'm still here..." He quickly opened the door, slipped the letter beneath Gabriel's door and quickly shimmied back inside.

Pudge looked at him accusingly.

"Shh!" Raphael hissed. He picked up his journal, but was already starting to fret... What would Gabriel think when he saw it?




((•))

Comments

[halosphere.livejournal.com]

"I'm sorry for what I had done," he whispered. "For hurting myself, for hurting you... I was so selfish to believe it didn't affect anyone else. So selfish..." He inhaled a shuddered breath, looking into those intense blue eyes, something in his own seemed to shine with that playful light that he once had before darkness had come and taken it away...

"I'm sorry I was so blind to it, to everything I had... I let the loss, the fear of what might happen eat me away inside instead of... of..." Coming to you... asking for help... "Trusting you." He reached over and lightly placed his hand over Gabriel's. "I remember now. It's like awakening from a long dream, a nightmare... But even if I still cannot feel it, I believe it. I will have Faith that Father is doing this for a reason."

"Father's just tryin' to teach you to rely on others..."

He chuckled at Michael's explanation, so simple yet at the time it had been like trying to understand an algebraic equation. "I trust Father," he repeated. "I was wrong to Doubt Him, and wrong to push you away while I destroyed myself in that infernal notebook. While I cut away my wings and hurt myself and refused help..."

His eyes shimmered. "I was wrong to ever believe my family did not love me."

[cattygabriel]

Gabriel waved his free hand dismissively, still smiling and practically glowing in his happiness. "You're aware of it now, and that's what matters. Just try not to forget it again, alright?"

[halosphere.livejournal.com]

Raphael bit his lip, absolutely hating the thought of returning to the way he had been, returning to those tormented shadows. He thought about Gabriel, the scar left behind when Lucifer Fell, to the point where he would not even allow someone else to touch his wings. And then I take it to a new extreme, cutting them away completely... Gabriel still kept his Faith at least, I didn't... "I really believed Father had been punishing me for believing Hadassah's deception. And then the nightmare... But I thought maybe it would have been okay."

He was quiet for a moment, remembering his last flight, standing on the rooftop of the Manor after the dinner party. It was hard to explain, only that it had been as if a shadow had cast over his mind, filtering every thought with destruction and Doubt. "But then... Then I thought I couldn't possibly be an angel anymore. That Father had cut me away and well, my last tie were my wings. But cutting them off did not change what I was any more that cutting off an arm would change what a human was. I feared for you, Gabriel... I really thought that those demons would come for you because of me but... If I had the blade, if I had kept it with me, maybe let myself be punished with it... Then they couldn't use it to kill you."

And there it was, the mental map that had lead him through that dark twisted road. It was a stark contrast to how he had explained it within the pages of his journal, for now it was as if he had taken a flashlight and was able to see the circumstances without the shadows to corrupt and manipulate things.

His mentality was slowly changint as his the pieces of his heart gently healed.

[cattygabriel]

"What demons? It was a dream, Raphael. I can take care of myself."

Gabriel hugged his brother. "And you don't need to hurt yourself for any reason. You may be the Healer, but I don't think you can heal others just yet," he gestured to the people in the church, "until you heal yourself."

[halosphere.livejournal.com]

Raphael melted into the embrace, the love radiating all around him warm and comforting. "I know that now." His voice was barely audible. "And even if you weren't okay, hurting myself would not have helped you. I should have told you, Gabriel... But I felt undeserving. I felt... afraid. I felt like I had burdened you enough already but..." Tears abruptly sprung to his eyes, his tongue almost unable to form the impossible words.

"I never was a burden. You worried because you loved me. And you hurt because I wouldn't let you help." He felt so raw, so vulnerable and yet, filled with such a deep love, warm and comforting and healing. "I'll never do that again. If something happens and I need help, I'll ask." He looked up at him, eyes shining and a genuine tender smile on his lips, a reflection of the Healer he was. "I promise."

[cattygabriel]

"You were never a burden." Gabriel held him tighter, literally glowing now; it was a good thing the humans couldn't see them. Still, each person in the church felt a strange sense of joy and hope, and the certainty that they were loved; being near two angels in such a mood had its effects.

"I'm glad you finally realised it." Raphael's expression reminded him of the Healer he had once known, before the Grigori and Hadassah's betrayal; it had been so long since he had seen it. "I know you keep your promises; you'd better honour this one."

New thread? <3

[halosphere.livejournal.com]

"I don't think I'll ever forget that you guys had to force-feed me... Feels like so long ago..." He chuckled at the memory, of his own stubborness. Come to think of it, he was rather hungry...

He nuzzled against Gabriel's chest, a soft, almost imperceptible glow flickering around him.

He was literally beaming with happiness.