(no subject)

[stillnotfallen.livejournal.com]

Date: May 12, 2003
Place: Crowley's room
Status: Private (Aziraphale and Crowley)
Summary:  Aziraphale wants to go home, but he doesn't have a ride.


Aziraphale sighed as he finished packing the remains of his room.

He just couldn't stay here any more.  Not with things being so awkward with Crowley, not when he hadn't seen or heard from Barnaby in ages, not when the three Archangels here did not curb Beelzebub's tendency to haunt him...

And he missed his books so much. 

That done, he calmly walked through their shared bathroom, knocked on the door, and opened it.

"Crowley dear, could you give me a ride to London?  I want to go home.  You're welcome to come back and stay here, dear, if you wish to."

Comments

[pointisdolphins.livejournal.com]

Crowley stared at the angel for a full minute before he replied in a falsely jovial voice, "Oh, I can do you one better, mate. Why don't I just escort you straight to Beelzebub's office in Hell, possibly trussed up like a Christmas goose?"

[stillnotfallen.livejournal.com]

Aziraphale blinked. "I fail to see what my wishing to go home has to do with geese, Crowley."

[pointisdolphins.livejournal.com]

"Because that's what you will be doing if you go back to London--basically gift-wrapping yourself for Beelzebub! I could save you the trouble and just take you to him myself if you're so anxious to die."

[stillnotfallen.livejournal.com]

Aziraphale frowned at that. "I thought you were miserable here. You've spent most of your time stalking me, and wouldn't that be easier if we were at home? And as for Beelzebub, I imagine he's bored with the idea now and is likely more worried about my superiours. Plus Belial is back and now he has to worry about him as well."

[pointisdolphins.livejournal.com]

"Beelzebub doesn't think that way and it doesn't matter if I'm miserable or if you are. We're at least ALIVE here. He doesn't get bored at getting revenge. Trust me."

[stillnotfallen.livejournal.com]

Aziraphale winced. "It matters to me if you're miserable," he admitted. "I... I'm sorry. I assumed you'd like the idea of leaving. I can fly back just as easily. Sorry to have bothered you."

He turned and walked back to his room, feeling confused.

[pointisdolphins.livejournal.com]

Crowley followed after Aziraphale and took his arm. "That is not the point! I don't want YOU to leave. I prefer you alive. Me too, of course. You're not going anywhere."

[stillnotfallen.livejournal.com]

Aziraphale frowned, looking at Crowley's hand on his elbow. "Pardon me for assuming that your insistence on avoiding me and not talking to me was indicative of feeling burdened by me. Now, if you'll excuse me, I want to go back to my books."

[pointisdolphins.livejournal.com]

The Serpent let out a long sigh that might have had a tinge of hiss to it. "I wasn't avoiding you I was avoiding everyone else. As for going back to your books, well, I never figured you for being the ssuicidal type. Stop talking nonsense."

[stillnotfallen.livejournal.com]

Aziraphale bit down on his worn lower lip. "Semantics, my dear boy, and regardless, they've been sitting there all alone for so long..." He sighed. "This is silly, my being here. You needn't concern yourself for my sake. You've... far surpassed any sort of... obligation the Arrangement may have put you into," he said gently.

[pointisdolphins.livejournal.com]

Crowley stared at Aziraphale for a long moment. "Obligation? You think that-- Let me get this sstraight." The demon's voice wasn't upset at all, it was, in fact, devoid of emotion. "You think that this is purely about the Arrangement."

[stillnotfallen.livejournal.com]

Aziraphale winced. "Well I just, I mean. It's not that. I misspoke. I mean, you've done enough, dear. I can't ask any more of you." He sighed. "We always go back to the Arrangement, don't we. But it's not... satisfactory anymore, is it."

[pointisdolphins.livejournal.com]

The Serpent released Aziraphale's elbow and let out a noise that could have been a laugh had a laugh been personified and then taken outside and beaten while still somehow managing to have a sarcastic air about it. "Now you're wanting to rethink that? Chr--Bless, angel. I should just bugger off after more than six thousand years?"

[stillnotfallen.livejournal.com]

The angel shook his head emphatically. "No, no that wasn't what I meant! The, the opposite! That, I, I do... I er... I care about you as far more than an obligation, or as part of the Arrangement, or anything like that," he admitted softly. "And being here... it constantly reminds me of the fact that you're only here for my sake, and I feel bloody awful about it. You should be able to go or stay as you please without worrying yourself on my accord. That's why I want to go home."

Well, the tile in this bathroom was lovely.

[pointisdolphins.livejournal.com]

Crowley shook his head and gave Aziraphale a bemused look. "So basically you want to leave because I'm here." The demon sighed and crossed his arms. "You don't need to feel guilty. It's not like you forced me to come. I, however, am forcing you to stay."

[stillnotfallen.livejournal.com]

Aziraphale's eyes shot up. "Don't take it like that!" he protested. "I, I want to leave because you're trapped here because of me!" He was starting to feel emotionally frazzled. This wasn't supposed to be going like this! "Crowley please try to understand I only want what's best for you and you're clearly unhappy here! I thought you'd approve of being able to go back to London!"

[pointisdolphins.livejournal.com]

"So what, you think I don't want you to have what's best for you--which happens to be being here?" Crowley looked long and hard at the angel. "You refuse to consider that I wouldn't be here if I didn't want to be. I'm a demon, remember. We don't do being pressured into doing things."

The Serpent was leaning against the door frame, looking calm and cool, and yet still managing to radiate a vibe of frantic pacing to any being that knew him well.* "Regardless of whether or not I like it here, I don't want you to be in London because you'll be a corpse! Do you really think I don't give a bloody da-bl-Manchester? Because it sure seems that way since you think I'd approve of us going back and leading you to your death! Am I just-" He stopped himself from finishing his question, giving a small jerk of the head.

*Aziraphale.

[stillnotfallen.livejournal.com]

Aziraphale bit his lower lip. He had no good response to any of this. "I just feel bad," he admitted. "For you, for being here on my behalf. I was just trying to make it up to you somehow. I... I mean..."

Oh, there were a few crumbs on his vest. He brushed them off and starting wringing his hands in the now-clean piece of clothing. "I'm sorry."

[pointisdolphins.livejournal.com]

"Don't apologize. Just don't be a wanker and go anywhere." It wasn't like he could say it nicely, since he oughn't really be objecting and he oughn't care either. For the sake of all involved he went with the typical 'I am annoyed not concerned' approach.

[stillnotfallen.livejournal.com]

Aziraphale regarded the demon with a thoughtful expression. There was something here he was missing, between the night of the nightmares and right now.

So we both consider the idea that we might have sexual relations that go poorly to be a nightmare, and it's news to me you even find me aesthetically appealing, so what now?

"You convinced me, actually. At the END End. I wanted to bugger off BEFORE the Boss came. You were the one being all heroic... ... I was trying to convince you to come with me."

"Which means that aspect of the nightmare was from you."

Aziraphale gasped, covering his mouth in shock. Crowley... he... he...

"Oh my goodness, dear. Why didn't you say so earlier?" he asked softly.

[pointisdolphins.livejournal.com]

Crowley did not like the look that had replaced Aziraphale's thoughtful one. "What? Why didn't I say what? You're not making any sense, angel."

Even though his tone was scathing, the demon inadvertently took one step backward.

[stillnotfallen.livejournal.com]

He knew what he meant. You love me. He knew the words, and he knew he could say them. You love me.

And yet... and yet there was that lingering doubt. Even if Aziraphale said them, would Crowley admit to anything? And was he even right? If he was wrong... if he was misjudging the situation...

He was shocked to discover in his own head that he rather liked the idea that Crowley felt that way. But... did he return it?

"Never mind, dearest," he murmured. "You know me. I'm just being silly."

[pointisdolphins.livejournal.com]

"...yeah, okay. So that's settled, then? You're staying put so I don't have to bother with trying to train a new counterpart?" Crowley spoke casually, as always covering up any vulnerability with cynicism and/or humor.

[stillnotfallen.livejournal.com]

Aziraphale sighed and nodded. "As you wish, dear."

He was resolutely staring at the floor, gnawing on his lower lip.

"I... I l... I... wellhaveaniceday, dear. Thank you. For everything."

He quickly strode through their bathroom and into his own bedroom, closing the door quickly behind him and feeling as if he had just ruined many, many things.