lt_safe_house | (no subject)

Date: March 19, 2003 (?)
Status: Private [Aziraphale and Crowley] (complete)
Setting: Aziraphale's room
Summary: It's finally time for the day of reckoning... Aziraphale will find out what an "Internet" is, whether he likes it or not (and he doesn't).

Aziraphale promised himself he would never complain again. It only led to uncomfortable situations, like this one right now.

He had made the mistake of wistfully sighing and admitting he missed his books. Apparently both doors to the bathroom had been open, because Crowley had heard him. The demon had marched over, uncovered the dreaded laptop, and plugged it in, glaring at him as if daring him to defy this. Aziraphale only stared at the thrice-cursed machine as it whirred to life.

"I, er, I was just making a comment," the angel said as he watched it light up and the screen start flashing at him dramatically, "and so you really don't... In fact, I would prefer if we don't..."

"Angel, I could feel you moping all the way in the other room. Here. The internet has all kinds of books you can read online. I'll even teach you how to do it, if you promise to stop whining."

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

"You 'communicated' with a registered sexual offender who MAPPA* is most likely going to move to a supervised environment," the demon retorted. "Obviously you need some sort of supervision yourself."

Crowley kept a hold of the laptop, debating on whether or not to put up the firewalls and parental controls right then or wait until the angel wasn't around. "I wasn't bragging," he finally said, sitting the laptop down and glowering at it as if to warn it against daring to allow any further such people to contact the angel.

The laptop's screen turned a little brighter as if to try to make amends. Crowley crossed his arms, not impressed with it, and then turned his unhappy-and-annoyed-demon look on Aziraphale. "I was warning. And I'm only going to keep teaching you if you actually start LISTENING."

*MAPPA is the Multi-Agency Public Protection Arrangements system in the UK. Basically it 'manages' people who have committed sexual and/or violent offenses who are living in or who are returning into the UK. **

**Crowley is partially responsible for the turn of the century surge in the use of acronyms. If you want proof, think of COBRA, the Consolidated Omnibus Budget Reconciliation Act--yes it was in the United States, but that just goes to show how far-reaching his talents are. Two of his current favorites are the World Taekwondo Federation (WTF) and the popular in both the UK and US acronym for a Senior Housing Assistance Group (SHAG). Even if most of them are NBG (no bloody good). And here the angel acted as though Crowley had no appreciation of language.

"Oh, really?" Aziraphale asked in surprise. "A sex offender? They are allowed on the Internets too? Why, imagine the good I could do if I could speak with them! I could help them thwart their own wiles without having to leave! What a lovely idea! Oo, these Internets seem more useful the more I learn about them!" He was smiling - he could add counseling the sinners to his resumé with no worry of them vandalising his books or Crowley counseling them in a completely different way.

"Oh, of course. I'm all ears, dear boy. Amaze me with your wisdom."

"You're going to minister to the online sex-preds?" Crowley looked at Aziraphale, then back at the laptop. This wasn't a good idea. None of this was a good idea. Trying to explain computers and the Internet to Aziraphale was like trying to teach a lust demon abstinence. Theoretically possible but who wants to put forth the gargantuan effort?

"Okay, you already saw the keyboard, which is where you type, that's the touch pad, and that's the screen. Basics covered. Let's go get a drink."

"Well it seems to be a good idea. Don't you think so? This way I don't have to risk them vandalising things. Or possibly deciding that I look like a young female." Aziraphale looked up at Crowley hopefully; he seemed so... angry all of a sudden. Maybe this was a good time to stop.

"A drink? It's midday. Isn't it a bit early for one of those already? Why don't we get lunch instead?"

"Lunch is fine," Crowley replied. Anything to get Aziraphale away from the computer.

Later that night, the entire World Wide Web would be surprised to find itself down.